Saturday, January 24, 2015


Without it, what purpose could anything possibly hold?'s a word I use often these days...probably because I don't know how else to describe the waves of life that ebb and flow so. In they come with pain and struggle, out they flow with peace and rest. 
They are ever changing, and I am therefore ever growing.
It's funny, though, how quickly one can forget the pain of the past...and yet remember it so vividly at the same time. The struggles I go through in the present are difficult, they are painful, full of mistakes, and lots of raw emotion.
They always seem like something I've never walked through before, yet somehow, they remain vaguely familiar at the same time...reminiscent of somewhere I've walked before.
Every trial brings new depth to my soul, drawing me deeper into the love of God...deeper into the purposed life He has for me. But each time, I feel unprepared for the trail, unprepared for the emotion, the struggle...unprepared to face the character flaws that rise to the surface, and the deep wounds revealed that have misshaped my beliefs over the years. All of the new depth and territory makes it seem so different than any other "season" I've walked through...but in the end I end up thinking to myself...I knew this. I remember this. God must have shown me this before.

The truth is each struggle that is molding me, building me, stretching me isn't all that unfamiliar...while I'd like to think it's a a new's the same issue, always....just from a new angle. 
It always comes down to two not so little words.
Trust and Love.
Do I trust God's love?

Recently I was seeking God about some things that He'd been revealing to me...things that to be quite honest, I don't like seeing in myself. I kept asking for an answer...all I heard, over and over again was "I love you."
Today as I poured my soul before my King, He asked me if I trusted His love. My automatic response was...of course...I know you love me! That wasn't what He was asking though. He asked me if I trusted His love. 

You see there is a difference that I have never caught before. I can say without a doubt in my mind that God loves me. I know it. I have had far too many examples of my own, and countless stories in the Bible that lead me to that conclusion. I know His love for me is vast and rich...that it is beautiful and perfect in every way. I have always thought my faith was great because I can say that. Because I can say that I know His love is good, that He is good. 

But just because I know that, doesn't mean I always trust in it. 

I know what I have had evidence to persuade me of...I know what I have proof to back up. 

But to trust...I don't have to see any of that right now. I don't have to understand where I am or why...I have to take what I have known and choose to rely on that, to have faith in that. 

God longs for my heart to be fully His. That is what trust is. It's relying on control to Him completely. 

Sometimes I forget that even the desires of my heart are there to remind me of that. They are meant to lead me to His heart...not my own ways. Sometimes it can be confusing to know God, to know He has a purpose, and to even know that He wants all of you, but to still feel drawn to other things. 

I can't really explain the way that my heart aches some days. It aches for love..for children, for a family to pour my life and love into, for my calling. My heart is burdened with this. Not because I cannot live alone, or cannot live without these, but because I feel that they are a part of who I was made to be, yet not yet a part of my life. 

I imagine this to only be a small glimpse of the way my Father feels. Perhaps this time where I think I am lonely...where I think I am missing something that so desperately feels like it ought to be a part of me..perhaps, just's really a lesson of love, and what I have gained in Him. 

See He understands my heart; His aches for the same things...

The Father's heart aches when his children are not in his arms. He longs for them much more intensely than we could ever long for love of our own, children of our own, dreams and businesses, homes, ...whatever it is we long for...He longs for me..and for you much more. 

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